Memorias de un Caminante

viernes, 20 de julio de 2018

Just how it is

It's always crushing when you realize that a person you care a lot about doesn't give two shits about you.
I had the most beautiful dream of you and me, and waking up from it was worse than all te nightmares I've had.

I'm sorry I made things weird between us. I don't do well on social interactions and I don't know how to get people to like me. And I guess that was them problem, I was trying for you to like me instead of actually knowing you and you getting to know me.

Me fucking everything up as always I guess.

Thank you for being there though it really ment a lot.

Bye for now. I hope things are better in them future.

lunes, 16 de julio de 2018

Just no.

You are a 10
I am barely a 3
you are so lovely
and I'm just me.
I try to be better
I try to talk
But I can't make a move
without thinking you will hate me.

This is not a poem. It is just a sad man being too afraid to do anything for himself.

viernes, 13 de julio de 2018

"Eres una buena persona", "eres demasiado bueno", "ella se lo pierde".
Perder que, ¿pasar tiempo con alguien que claramente no vale la pena? Dos de tres de mis relaciones terminaron porque prefirieron estar con alguien más. Mi primera relación solo existió porque ella quería sacarle celos a alguien más.
¿Donde está lo bueno? ¿Que es lo que se está perdiendo ella? Nada. No hay nada. No tengo nada que ofrecer a nadie. Estoy vacío y roto y ya no se si quiero continuar intentando mejorar. Soy un cobarde.

Asique no, no se pierde nada. Es mejor que se mantenga lejos, junto con todo el resto, que ya lo hizo. Es mejor así. Así no la molesto más. Lo siento por todo lo que te molesté. Veo las conversaciones de cuando nos conocimos hace 5 años y de verdad que no se que más decir que lo siento.

さようなら

jueves, 21 de junio de 2018

How

How can I concentrate?
How can I be good for you?
How can I erase my mind?
How can I delete all of my memories?
How can I delete myself?
Should I die?
Should I wait?
Should I keep trying?
What's in store for me?
Am I in your thoughts?
I doubt it. I seriously do.
Everything points to this.
Every little sign possible, is there.
Why am I such a fool?
It's been 5 years already.
Why
Why
Why
Why
Why

Why

miércoles, 20 de junio de 2018

Why

Saying that I like you I not enough. I don't know what to do with what I feel. I can't talk to you because every time I do I feel like you don't want to. Why? I don't know. Every time I ask you out you say yes right away, and yet my mind tells me that it's only because you are too polite, or maybe you don't know how to say no.

Every time you talk to me I smile like an idiot, every time you tag me on something my heart skips a beat, every time I see you post something I smile and every time you write something sad it kills me, it kills me to know that there is little I can do, it kills me to know that it is not me who can make you happy. Little by little I die, not knowing what to do or how to talk to you.

I feel that I know so little of you and I can't seem to find the way to know more. I want you to open to me but I know I can't contain you, I can't even contain myself.

I don't know what you feel, and I'll most likely never know it from you. I can only guess, and my guesses are not very comforting.

You know what's worse? I keep trying to convince myself that you just might like me, as if I had anything likeable or had shown you anythign likeable. I'm just a lonely asshole that hopes to be liked without doing shit. And the truth is, I don't know how to be liked. I try to impress you and fail every time, I try to be a shoulder for you to cry on, but I don't know how. I fear your rejection so much that my words can't come out, I'm paralysed. I fear that you will notice that I like you and you'll feel uncomfortable. I fear that you might despise me.
And still, every single time I see your face, I simply melt. Every time I see you I just want to hold you and never let go. Every time you want to go somewhere, I want to with you.

I feel like I bother you, like you are tired of speaking to me, bored to death.
This is why I can barely speak to you. This is why I'm always so nervous around you. Why I always check if you posted anything, just to feel a little closer to you. This is why I can barely rest my mind. And I'm so sorry if you ever saw me as a burden, as a bothersome guy who can't stop commenting stupid shit in your posts, only to get some sort of attention from you. I'm really sorry.

Maybe I'm being too derivative now.

I'll end this post now, there is a lot more in my head, but I can't think straight now.

jueves, 4 de enero de 2018

.

I see a knife and I want to stab my leg.
Why can't I just cry like before?
I see a knife and I want to cut my flesh.
I can't cry, my eyes are dry.

My jaw is tight so I have to bite.
Pressure is building, I just want an end.

Why do I feel empty?
Is this all I can feel?

Have to go now. Back to pretending I want to live.

martes, 21 de noviembre de 2017

Back again

No puedo evitar sentirme culpable por sentirme solo. Creo que físicamente solo estoy cuando me devuelvo del trabajo y nada más. Pero aún así me siento más solo que nunca.

Siento que mi mente va a alcanzar masa critica en cualquier momento.